Inquisitrix

I can’t believe I am actually writing the second post in a day, let alone week - I just had a very good day and I wanted to document it.

My Mom is actually going through a very stressful period and is a bit sleep deprived. I told my sister in law that I was going to help her this afternoon and she told me that I was very ‘generous’. And then she said “bless you, Meliss”. Now, I am not religious as all, but anytime anyone says that to me, I feel all warm and fuzzy. Like my feng shui of my soul just improved a little bit. This may be too much information, but Rohan calls me ‘Schmoo”. I tell him I have good ‘Feng Schmoo”.

Anyhoo, when I got to my Mom’s office, we got fixed the issue she was having and then she went to print out a document for me - and fell asleep. Sitting in her chair. In front of her computer. In front of me. I poked her and said, “Grab your things, you are coming home with me for a nap”.

My father was in Chicago on business and was due back around 6pm-ish. Have I mentioned that she had been in her office since 4am? Yeah, my whole family has work/life balance issues. I like to say I inherited my bad habits. She was waiting around for him, she protested, and there was so much to do. Finally I told her that she wasn’t being productive and that I would make a scene if she uttered another peep. And I make GREAT scenes. I have a very loud voice and have set off alarms before. She paid for how many umpteen years of vocal lessons for me to LEAD US TO THIS VERY MOMENT. She said, okay, but only if I got her back to the office by 5:30pm. Because she just had to wait for my Dad and there was just so much to do. Right.

I put her on the couch, counted down 5 seconds for her to doze off, then sent my Dad a text and told him I had kidnapped Mom. And would he like to come for dinner? He said he would be there at 7pm. Mom woke up at 6:15pm. What time was it, she asked. I fibbed just a little and told her it was only 5pm and that she should go back to sleep. So she did.

My Dad arrived around 7pm and Mom woke up to a nice Orange Ginger Chicken and Shrimp Stir Fry, with brocolli, roasted red peppers and pine nuts. My mom woke up a little more refreshed and happy and hungry.

My parents both told me that they loved me and that I was ‘generous’. It is so nice to receive positive feedback. I think everyone can use more love, laughter and ‘bless yous’, every day. And I am not sure that I am necessarily being generous, but I know that they would be here for me if I needed them. That is what my family is all about. That is the best part of being back in the States, moments like these. Plus the leftovers are going to be *killer* tomorrow.

I had a reunion with my Dermatologist yesterday. It was the first time we had seen each other since I left for Australia, way back in ‘05. He was very happy to see me, because I used to rack up a considerable amount of time in his office. One day I told him I should get ‘Frequent Freckle Miles’ and since then we laugh our asses off at every appointment. What is it with me and the medical types, lately? Good times.

In ‘04 he took a chunk out of my arm after I spent ten fun-filled days basking in the sun in Hawaii. He told me I needed to be very, very careful and I have heeded his word like a very, very good girl. He joked that I am so fair skinned that I am one step away from being a redhead. I already have the green eyes. And without much sun in the past few years, I am so pale that I practically glow in daylight. But even so, I am vigilant about staying out of the sun, because it’s just not worth it.

My hair stylist uses the tanning bad at his gym even though he has a suspicious looking mole on his back. WTF? I told him he was completely out of his mind. I understand vanity, but he and his partner just adopted a beautiful 11 month old girl from Thailand. He needs to be around for her, hello? After I kicked his ass about going to see a dermatologist, he asked me how I got over the need to have a tan. I told him that I:
1) I just think of myself as a gorgeous woman with milky, porcelain skin from a French Baroque painting.
2) Remember of that my Mom stayed out of the sun and has really great skin for being almost 60 (i.e. very few wrinkles).
3) Look at a recent photo of Pamela Anderson - That chick is looking R-O-U-G-H. And I know, it’s not all because of the sun, people, but still.
4) Recognize that skin cancers are some of the most aggressive and deadly kinds that people can be cursed with.
5) And when that doesn’t do it, the thought of them carving more chunks out of my body or injecting me with toxic chemotherapy really gets my mindset right.

So, I hoped that worked and he goes to the doctor. I am going back to see said hair stylist in another couple of weeks and we will see what kind of progress he has made in that area. Honestly, I love him and I want him to stick around for a long, long time.

But here is the entire point of this post - When I walked into the Dermatologist’s office, I almost fell off the table (Yes, in my gown that velcros up the back, underwear and bare feet. It wouldn’t have been pretty). He is just a few years older than me, but his skin had gotten leathery with sunspots, and he had a sunburn! A SUNBURN. And not just a little one. A bad one, complete with angry skin and gross-me-out peeling.

After we got through my concerns, I confronted him about the state of his poor skin. He is an avid cyclist, and he forgot sunblock last weekend. I told him that if he forgot just one more time and I found out about it, I was going to leave him. And I wouldn’t be coming back. Ever.

He kind of looked like a deer caught in headlights. AND, I told him that I was not above resorting to blackmail. Since I own a bike now, and have maps of all of the routes in this area, I threatened to hunt him down with a big tube of SPF 70 and, in front of all of his other cycling buddies, slather it on so thick that it would make it hard for him to steer two more feet. He laughed that “oh, you are making me SO uncomfortable, but I know I need to take my own medicine because I have been a bad boy” laugh, but I think he got my point.

I thanked him for his time and walked out the door. How can a smart man be so incredibly stupid, I ask? We all make mistakes and the guy’s ultimately human. But that’s not great advertising for his business. Kind of like an oncologist that smokes. If I didn’t know him well enough, I might be tempted to look for a different dermatologist. Besides, I may have scared him enough with my threats that they might just lock the door at my next scheduled appointment. I might send him a tube of sunblock and some aloe vera gel next week in the mail as a joke.

Coronary? Hi, my name is Melissa. I just received notice that someone used a credit card (that I have never kept a balance on) to purchase items online. I do a LOT of business online. I love the internet so much some days that I want to marry it. But, today, I sorta hate the internet. I have heard complete horror stories about people that were basically presumed guilty until they proved their own innocence and had to go to massive lengths to restore their reputations. The credit card company couldn’t have been nicer, so I guess that’s a bonus. I just need to sign an afidavit and return it.

But really, if anyone out there has my credit card numbers, would you please buy something that we want and make sure that it gets delivered to our house? Like a patio set? Possibly that Pergola that I have had my eye on so we can grow grapes and lounge around on our nice patio set? Or maybe that jacuzzi that belongs on the platform with plumbing in our back yard. Maybe we could benefit from sitting under the stars, drinking some nice homemade wine, getting all pruney. No, instead they decided to send a crate of cigars to some address somewhere else in the universe. Jeez. Thanks a lot, Mr. Credit Card Thief. You are like, sooooo considerate.

This is the first time it has happened to me, so I am incredibly lucky. But I want to hunt the criminal down and shove shards of shredded credit cards in their gums.

Today, I started the first of three ‘protein’ days on my new eating plan. It sucks. And I am cranky. Detoxing off of carb overload is extremely hard but the benefits will be worth it. The eating plan is high-protein (with good complex carb) small meals every three hours (sort of like South Beach, but not really). The whole idea is to shed fat (without losing my mind) and to control hypoglycemic and inflammatory responses in my system. I also had an analysis done and found out that I have a great deal of muscle, which is good news - I am not 100% fat, contrary to what I feel like on some days!. We will start adding carbs back on Tuesday and the rest of civilization may actually want to start speaking to me again.

We picked up my bike today and I gushed like a ten year old girl. My bike, she is so pretty! And thankfully, Rohan decided he wanted one as well. We will soon be biking our asses off, literally. Hopefully! And pic-nicking in the park! The only bad thing is that the bike shop dude scratched the bike a little bit when he lifted it onto the rack on my car. Not the end of the world, but I haven’t even had the chance to ride it yet. He looked at me after he did it and said, “Sorry, um. I scratched it. Is that okay?” What was I supposed to say? Yes? Hello?

I also had a bit of a revelation today. Part of the reason that I bought a bike is because my feet are so messed up that walking can send me straight to the medicine cabinet for pharmaceutical grade pain killers. This is just something I have lived with since I was 14, so I have to get creative. My exercise options are limited to the non-impact variety. Biking, swimming, elliptical, etc. I have loved doing yoga in the past, and have thought trying to pick it up again. But my feet won’t cooperate.

So today I realized that I will probably not be able to do much yoga again, which is a bummer. I really love how relaxed I feel afterwards. Unless I can find a place to let me do yoga with my tennis shoes on. But I CAN do Pilates, which is good for building core strength, toning and flexibility. I want to be one of those 80 year old women that can tie herself into a pretzel. I was flipping through television channels and I came across a home Pilates system that was pretty reasonably priced. Rohan thought might be good for his back as well. SO, we have that arriving the first week of May.

All of this means that we are going to really try to get back into shape this year. That is also a whole different blog that I will be starting shortly. That is, if I make it past day three of the protein plan. I feel like I could eat a bag of flour right now.

Okay, I have totally been out of it - But today is the last day of the Kid’s Art Auction for Earth Day 2008 put on by the fabulous Aimee of Greeblemonkey. The art is adorable and it all goes for a good cause. I feel so totally eco-responsible. First I buy a bike. Now this. Next thing you know, I am going to start recycling EVERYTHING and growing organic hemp and raising goats in our jungle of a backyard. In this city, I wouldn’t get too many strange looks. It’s a college town, Yo.

Check it out - HERE are the rules, and HERE is the Flickr group to peruse and bid. Go for and bid/donate!

And if you try to outbid me on the one piece that I want, I may come and totally beat you up! Just sayin.

This probably goes under the heading of ‘Too Much Information’, but it’s what has been going on with me and you know, that’s life. I had every intention of posting last week, but I have been diagnosed with Shingles. When I told my Mom, she said she wasn’t surprised.

First of all, I have been sick since New Years Eve. Four and a half months of doctors, lots of poking, prodding, MRIs, CT scans and momentary contemplation of some woo-woo religion in an effort to gain some divine healing (which never happened - I may have been ill, but I’m not stupid). Sick has been my new normal and I have been just FUCKING TIRED. All of the time. My doctors kept shaking their heads and finally, we figured out that, with the exception of the nasty stomach infection that curtailed any New Years celebration that Rohan and I never got around to planning, my allergies have been wreaking havoc on my system. I will never be able to be without allergy meds again. Which, in the grand scope of things, is fine.

Within two days of starting up with allergy meds again (stopped by a numbskull doctor that told me that I just needed Flonase, who was WRONG - Note to Dr. McDumbass: I would like the last four months of my life back!), my sinuses are playing nice and I can actually sleep through the night without drugging myself into a comatose stupor with cough medicine. Makes for a more productive day without needing five naps. Before lunch. Seriously.

So all of this farting around with my immune system has not come without a price. One afternoon I thought I had been bitten by bugs on my back. I freaked out. I can’t have BUGS. NOT IN MY LIFE! I just don’t like bugs. Of any kind. But I was not feeling well again - and like a lot of things, I just didn’t have the energy to care.

My mom (who is a Nurse) told me that I might have Shingles. I did some research, and decided that wasn’t the case. Because I am so brilliant. And I continued to believe that I was brilliant until the bug bites didn’t go away for like, a week and a half. Then the ‘bug bites’ started hurting like crazy. My back was on fire. Since my deductible was long taken care of for the year, I thought I might was well go see the girls at the Doctor’s office. We are on a first name basis and I needed to catch up on the office gossip.

During the exam, the doc (Not Dr. McDumbass) lifted up the back of my shirt to listen to me wheeze, and he asked me how long the area on my back had been a problem - It had been a week and a half. He told me I had Shingles. I have never wanted bug bites so much in my life. When I had Chickenpox as a kid, I had them badly. I had Chickenpox in my eyes, down my throat and in all sorts of horrible places. I was six years old and thirty years later, the Chickenpox has come back to haunt me.

Essentially, people that get Shingles usually are pretty sick and suffer from a compromised immune system (from things like organ transplants, Cancer, Aids, etc.). The virus (Yes, it’s a herpes virus, but not THAT herpes virus. SHIT. I am going to get SO much spam now.) lays dormant in your system until it’s kicked off, travels along the nerve pathways and generally causes a painful, itchy rash. For me, thankfully, the worst part of the rash was mild and resembled really angry bug bites. The rest looks like hives. When the rash first appears, I could transmit Chickenpox to someone that has never had them before. However, once a person has had Chickenpox, they can’t be infected, because they have their own strain of the virus. Luckily Rohan has. My sister-in-law joked with me that I should come over and play with their kids because they haven’t had the pox yet. She is so funny! At least, I think she was kidding.

And more often than not, stress plays a part in Shingles developing. I have had every other test under the sun and I am as healthy as a person could be. I guess the whole international move, buying a house, holidays thing was a bit too much for me. I have, no doubt, been under a lot of stress. Rohan’s health hasn’t been perfect either, so I have been worried about him, my family, my friends and the state of the whole goddamn WORLD. And one could say that I suffer from work-life balance issues. I could have easily benefited from total body massages every day. And a personal pool boy. A maid. A cook. Maybe a personal assistant.

But since I don’t quite have the income of a rockstar, the odds of those things happening are remote. So I have been thinking of ways that I can de-stress. I am completely at a loss for this subject. I am a bit of a pressure junkie. If I don’t have deadlines, I don’t seem to perform. I push, push, push. I can’t relax enough to meditate. I have thought about yoga (Bikram sounds good to me, but the heat would aggravate things right now). I told Rohan that I needed champagne and bon-bons every day and that I needed to quit my job. Rohan didn’t buy the whole bit about the bon-bons and told me I couldn’t quit my job without a note from my doctor.

So I took the first step in what any respectable stressed out corporate woman would do: I bought a bike!!! It will be delivered on Friday. The night before, we watched a movie called ‘The House of D‘ (VERY good) and the kids were on bikes a lot. Then, I was at the Farmer’s Market on Saturday. The weather was glorious and I saw a lot of people on bikes. Then we sat through the Earth Day parade and all of the hippies rode by on their bikes. They all were smiling. And it all clicked for me - I remembered how great it was to feel the wind through my hair, the sense of freedom. The cool fringe on my handle bars! I NEEDED A BIKE!!!

So that afternoon, I tried out eight different models. Apparently, I am very tall for a girl (duh) so my frame has to be ordered. Unless I wanted to take a boys bike (in blue, blech), which I did not, thank you very much. I don’t want a crotch bar! Even if the crotch bar is now a uni-sex feature. Besides, I wanted fenders, a basket on the back (can anyone say picnics in the park?), a cool ching-ching bell, and a flag with skull and crossbones. I am still working on the flag for my bike. But I am not going to let it stress me out.

So, what do you do to de-stress?

Next month will be anniversary numero deux with my hunka hunka burnin’ LURVE. The past six months have been a whole lotta stress. I think we are both beginning to rebound a bit. We could definitely benefit from some down time, some away time and copious amounts of alcoholic beverages, with a side of chocolate.

Plus I finished our taxes last night and I will be damned if we aren’t getting a huge-ass refund. So, like all good American consumers, I need to do my part to stimulate the economy, stave off the recession doom and spend a little bit of it.

I think this calls for a trip and I have one month to plan. We can only be gone for 4 days (Wednesday through Sunday). We can drive or fly, but neither of us are campers. We could probably do a B&B, but we appreciate urban conveniences.

Where should we go?

So, I have decided to come out of hibernation to declare that I am so very proud to be living in the city that is home to the Kansas Jayhawks, the 2008 NCAA Basketball National CHAMPIONS!!!

I am not someone that appreciates sports much outwardly, but I have a special place in my heart for Basketball. It runs in my blood. I love it secretly, and it wasn’t something that I was able to share with Rohan while we lived in Australia. He couldn’t understand why my family was so excited about the Hawks this year. Saturday’s game against UNC was nice and all. But last night’s game was too much. I am proud to have been witness to this moment in history (video found courtesy of Whoorl) - Check out the clock as the flawless three-pointer ties the game:

When some thought all was lost with 10.8 seconds left, that beautiful shot enabled KU to tie up, and go on to win the game in overtime. It really helped Rohan to understand why we would choose to scream and jump up and down and collectively lose our shit over some very talented boys with a ball running up and down a court. Amazing. I have never felt such unbridled joy. Joy shared with the 40,000 others that descended upon Mass Street afterwards to celebrate the unbelievable Jayhawks that would not give up.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled hibernation. I might come out to play after I get my taxes done. I miss y’all.

I have been totally busting my ass the past couple of weeks so I could leave for L.A. this week and see Lisa and Paul and their new baby, Griffin. I was going to be gone for an entire week so I needed to make sure that all of my loose ends were tied in a nice neat little bow.

And have I mentioned that work is also kicking my ass at the exact same time that I have been busting it? Yeah, no fun. Also, the brother and SIL needed childcare on three separate days for more than 8 hours at a time. Hello? And another good friend, Jean, had a baby on Tuesday. Oy.

Then we also had a Poker tournament for work last Wednesday night. I had never played Texas Hold ‘Em (no limit, I have only played 7 card stud), so I asked for a few practice games. Well, the great guys that I work with decided that we were only going to have ONE practice game, but forgot to tell Melissa, so - thinking I had nothing to lose, on the second game - I bet all of my chips. And lost. And they saw nothing wrong with this. THAT will be the last time that happens.

Thursday, Valentine’s Day, came and went with a dozen red roses from my hunka, hunka burning love, and lots of Chocolate from me to him. Because neither one of us was coordinated enough to make reservations anywhere, and we are already an old boring married couple, we ate dinner at a restaurant called Ingredient, which was interesting - No tipping. Very, very fresh ingredients. Very good food in a very casual atmosphere. Just my speed.

I tracked down the guy that had done my hair before I moved to Australia and, after work on Friday, we reunited (And yes, it feels SO GOOD). Brent is an experienced stylist that knows color. Hello! The bright spot of my week. Thank GOD because the sweet young thing that I have gone to since I have been back was nice, but not exactly ‘good. My hair is the only thing I am truly vain about. I mean, I wear makeup all of the time, but that is so I don’t scare small children. So that’s not vanity, it’s self defense. But if my hair is great, I feel great, right?

Well, not exactly - My wagon had been draggin the entire week. I felt really, really tired. By Friday, my throat was tickling. I was going to see Jean’s baby on the way home, but I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea so I called at the last second to cancel. And I was right. Saturday morning, I was coughing up copious amounts of green phlegm. I went to the doctor and was told not to travel, and definitely not to hang around any babies! Bronchitis, Strep Throat (and my doc thinks, a virus). Blech.

Thus, my trip to LA has been postponed until mid April. I made a few phone calls and squeaked out apologies. My friends were happy that the trip was postponed (Lisa was happy that Griffin will be old enough to take on field trips and Eileen won’t have to shampoo carpets) and I have never been so happy that my friends were happy that I wasn’t coming for a visit. I hate canceling at the last second. But who wants germs?

A LOT of people are sick right now. I went to the drugstore to get my prescriptions filled and was looking over the remaining boxes of Mucinex to decide which box to purchase. I have never taken it before, so I was reading the box (while it was on the shelf). Which, apparently, was a mistake. All of the sudden I heard a very loud “EXCUSE ME” and this unbelievably rude old woman snatched the very box that I was reading, which happened to be the last of that kind. I was shocked at how obviously rude she was - she knew exactly what she was doing and made zero apologies. I watched her as she made her way to the blood pressure cuff station and sat down to get a reading. It took everything I had not to run over, scream “NO - EXCUSE ME” and beat her about the head and shoulders with the pressure cuff. But alas, I was tired. And she wasn’t worth it. So very tired.

Here’s one weird thing - I looked like I had been run over by a truck: my eyes were bloodshot, I was sweating from fever and I hadn’t showered because I took the first doctor’s appointment that I could get on Saturday AM before ending up at the drugstore, but no less than four guys flirted with me. This usually doesn’t happen even when I look good and I wanted to say STOP LOOKING AT ME OR I WILL GIVE YOU MY GERMS. Can’t a guy tell when you aren’t on your game? Must have been the hair.

On another note, I am honestly not sure how much longer I will keep blogging. Quite frankly, I am bored with me. And really busy. I might change the direction if I get organized in the next couple of months.

This is what the past four days have looked like. Along with the seven + inches of snow we received last night. And next week is going to bring more snow. I am dreaming of sunshine and fruit that doesn’t come from South America.