Inquisitrix

I had a reunion with my Dermatologist yesterday. It was the first time we had seen each other since I left for Australia, way back in ‘05. He was very happy to see me, because I used to rack up a considerable amount of time in his office. One day I told him I should get ‘Frequent Freckle Miles’ and since then we laugh our asses off at every appointment. What is it with me and the medical types, lately? Good times.

In ‘04 he took a chunk out of my arm after I spent ten fun-filled days basking in the sun in Hawaii. He told me I needed to be very, very careful and I have heeded his word like a very, very good girl. He joked that I am so fair skinned that I am one step away from being a redhead. I already have the green eyes. And without much sun in the past few years, I am so pale that I practically glow in daylight. But even so, I am vigilant about staying out of the sun, because it’s just not worth it.

My hair stylist uses the tanning bad at his gym even though he has a suspicious looking mole on his back. WTF? I told him he was completely out of his mind. I understand vanity, but he and his partner just adopted a beautiful 11 month old girl from Thailand. He needs to be around for her, hello? After I kicked his ass about going to see a dermatologist, he asked me how I got over the need to have a tan. I told him that I:
1) I just think of myself as a gorgeous woman with milky, porcelain skin from a French Baroque painting.
2) Remember of that my Mom stayed out of the sun and has really great skin for being almost 60 (i.e. very few wrinkles).
3) Look at a recent photo of Pamela Anderson - That chick is looking R-O-U-G-H. And I know, it’s not all because of the sun, people, but still.
4) Recognize that skin cancers are some of the most aggressive and deadly kinds that people can be cursed with.
5) And when that doesn’t do it, the thought of them carving more chunks out of my body or injecting me with toxic chemotherapy really gets my mindset right.

So, I hoped that worked and he goes to the doctor. I am going back to see said hair stylist in another couple of weeks and we will see what kind of progress he has made in that area. Honestly, I love him and I want him to stick around for a long, long time.

But here is the entire point of this post - When I walked into the Dermatologist’s office, I almost fell off the table (Yes, in my gown that velcros up the back, underwear and bare feet. It wouldn’t have been pretty). He is just a few years older than me, but his skin had gotten leathery with sunspots, and he had a sunburn! A SUNBURN. And not just a little one. A bad one, complete with angry skin and gross-me-out peeling.

After we got through my concerns, I confronted him about the state of his poor skin. He is an avid cyclist, and he forgot sunblock last weekend. I told him that if he forgot just one more time and I found out about it, I was going to leave him. And I wouldn’t be coming back. Ever.

He kind of looked like a deer caught in headlights. AND, I told him that I was not above resorting to blackmail. Since I own a bike now, and have maps of all of the routes in this area, I threatened to hunt him down with a big tube of SPF 70 and, in front of all of his other cycling buddies, slather it on so thick that it would make it hard for him to steer two more feet. He laughed that “oh, you are making me SO uncomfortable, but I know I need to take my own medicine because I have been a bad boy” laugh, but I think he got my point.

I thanked him for his time and walked out the door. How can a smart man be so incredibly stupid, I ask? We all make mistakes and the guy’s ultimately human. But that’s not great advertising for his business. Kind of like an oncologist that smokes. If I didn’t know him well enough, I might be tempted to look for a different dermatologist. Besides, I may have scared him enough with my threats that they might just lock the door at my next scheduled appointment. I might send him a tube of sunblock and some aloe vera gel next week in the mail as a joke.